ODD GIRL OUT

source (strange sisters)

i watched yet another documentary about weed with carl last night and they said something about anti-depressants that made me think about my medication. "how many of these people have a chemical inbalance and how many are just getting over a bad breakup?" or something along the lines. it's been clear to me for a while (sort of) that really, my problem is my job, not a chemical imbalance in the brain. and medication probably won't help, because it's not making the problem go away. yet i'm too pathetic to really look for another job. i make feeble attempts every once and a while but.. i just hate the process of job hunting so much. i'm no good at it. i'm no good at cvs and covering letters and application forms. meh.

today was quite nice. he wasn't there. which was good, since i was late as usual. my bed is too comfy, carl's too warm and nice and toasty and cuddly, i just cannot get out of bed. and eating breakfast is a chore. but i need my breakfast, i have to eat it. i hate my morning gagging. i'm trying to cut down on dairy, i had an etsy message from someone who orders my zines quite often a while ago, they'd read about my troubles here or in #8 (i can't remember whether i wrote about it in there or on the blog or both) and she told me she'd had the same problem and cutting out dairy (particularly yoghurt and cheese) had helped. now, i can't not eat cheese, i like cheese too much, but i guess i can stop carving away half of the parmesan while cooking.. and just not eat it as much. unfortunately my breakfast usually consists of toast or cereal and a yoghurt and my midmorning snack on my tea/fag break is usually a yoghurt too. today i managed to not eat a single yoghurt. i had toast + 2 kiwi fruits for breakfast and kiwi fruit + banana for snack. go me. i think i'm going to try to keep this up, see if it helps. cos the gagging's got almost worse since i was ill. i'm almost sick in my mouth several times in the morning. it really puts me off a) breakfast and b) leaving the house. like i need another thing putting me off the idea of going to work..

the distro has started off quite well, six orders already! i was going to send carl to the post office tomorrow, but unfortunately he's at oxfam all day, so they'll be sent out thursday instead. it's making me really happy! i know it's only been open for what, three days but.. it's really making me feel good about stuff. everyone's been really nice and supportive, bunch of my friends have been giving shout outs for it on their blogs & twitters (thank you!) i want more zines. i've made a little zine wish list for the distro, but carl's sensibly suggested that we're sensible and don't go buying loads of new stock quite yet. but i'm itching! i guess we'll be packing orders tomorrow. half the presents are gone! get in quick if you want 'em.

you reckon this counts as 10 minutes of writing for this? i can't actually join the comm because i found out about it sunday and i guess they closed the membership saturday night or something. poop. doesn't stop me doing it on my own though, does it? i was going to try to write some fiction tonight but it just hasn't happened. actually i was going to watch telly today and not be on the computer because there was a bunch of good stuff on, for once (eastenders, james may's toy thingie, f word and it's just a theory) but i've only managed to watch half of enders sitting on the sofa, facing the telly. might get off my seat after i finish writing this and watch the rest of it's only a theory in a similar fashion. we'll see.